Monday, February 8, 2010

Mother, may I?

one of my favorite little first graders, margot,  just told me,

if i could pick any mom in the whole world, i would pick you, miss molly

well, i said to her, YOUR mom is really, really pretty great...

 oh, well, she could be an aunt, she replied....

I always figured I'd have a lot of kids. Five, actually.  I think the number 5 stuck with me because I have four brothers and sisters and being one of five is one of the best parts of my life.  I've always been happiest when I'm with my family. At a party, I feel stronger with my sisters and brothers there. I'm proud to walk into a gathering with this crew. I'm proud of how my siblings make people feel alive. I think, in a very large part, we owe it to our two awesome parents. I'm one of those people that thinks alot of what we are, both good and bad, we owe to the people who raised us.

From the moment I met RK I thought 'damn, we'd make good parents. we'd make those kind of parents other kids wanted as their parents. those all-around parents that are just being themselves cuz they like each other so much and they're digging on you being your own person and they still like going to beastie boys concerts at the hollywood bowl and they're cool but have good boundaries that i won't totally appreciate until waaaaaay later....'. You know, I went there. I've always wanted to carry and raise a bunch of little kids.

So, it seems inevitable that I envisioned living out this life with my husband and this large brood doing all the fabulous things my family did. We'd go camping and canoeing A LOT. We'd stop at every river along the road and look for fools gold. On the way home from a long day at the beach, we'd do chinese-fire-drills at every stoplight.  We'd hike into canyons and climb trees and go skiing in the winter.  We'd throw crazy parties & wear costumes for any occasion: valentines day, st patricks day, halloween.  I'd make my mom's infamous sugar cookies stamped in the current holiday shape.  We'd own a VW van.

As fate would have it, I don't think we'll be birthing our own.  And, other than family, friends and first graders, I don't know that we'll ever have kids in our day to day lives.  It's a little strange to accept.  And, as it turned out, it was a loooooooong, strange acceptance.  But acceptance it seems to be.

Though sometimes I don't know if comments like margot's keep me sane or quietly break my heart.


Katie said...

Very touching! I have a sister that tried for years to have a child, fortunately she was able to adopt.......I know the hurt she went through with each fertility session she endeared, with nothing to show for it. I'm happy she was finally able to adopt, because motherhood is empowering!

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

There is nothing more beautiful in the world than two people who want to join together and make a new person, or five. And I imagine that there is nothing more painful in this world than not being able to do that. It may take a lifetime to live into acceptance of that.

It makes me sad that this won’t be part of your life, because I think you’d be amazing at it. I also know that there are so many kids who will be touched by you, by your gifts, your creations. Those connections give me hope for the future, for those kids and for you.

hobo soup said...

Just love the kids you teach. You'll do more good that way.

i.m. monzaemon said...

I literally can't find the right words to describe how reading this made me feel - except to say that it is beautiful and thank you for writing this

paige said...

You can adopt me, and Arann too. We want to go camping in a VW van with you and RK.

Not the same, I know... but Arann is pretty immature and needs someone with good boundaries.

Seriously though, you made me teary, again. Every time.

I am grateful to know you and grateful that you share your dreams and realities with us all.


thetiniestspark said...

aw, honey. it's early days yet, very very early days. RK may well change his mind halfway through his 40s (the new mid-20s of childrearing years), and if he doesn't, well, you're certainly in the perfect profession. it goes beyond vicarious maternal love when you've got 20 of 'em for half of your entire day, most days.

(did you know my sister used to be a teacher in SF, too? she thought she never wanted kids either, and her husband didn't either, but when she was almost 40, they moved to portland to raise a family. life switches on you over and over and over, yer young yet, with so many beyond-18-years-to-go!!!!)

(oh, the places you'll go)

(am i the only one who was never really INTO dr. seuss?)

(most rambling comment ever)

nativekee said...

love that you wrote this.
i spent 7 years going through multiple miscarriages trying to have a baby while my life just ended. & my hubbie and i never got the result we wanted.
any time we say good bye to possibilities it can be so hard.
i don't know your path but woman to woman, i send you so much love & hope for all that your life is & becomes.