Why is it that you can struggle for years and have nothing really going for you and it seems despondent and not one thing you'd hoped for comes thru and you don't know which way to turn...and then, seemingly overnight, it all changes. And you've got more than you can handle and it all comes at you at the same time and everyone wants something from you and you don't know which way to turn. Sometimes, I wonder, which is really better? Everyone says it's the latter one. But, currently experiencing the latter, I question that.
I guess what I can't believe is that my life goes like this in waves. It's always all or nothing. I could do with a nice, even keeled, little bit of both.
My friend D. suggested I meditate. Not a bad idea. I should do something that isn't related to one of these constant things in my life. I should slow down, maybe even stop.
When I was a kid, I was sure I wanted to be an actress (well, that's not counting that kindergarten survey I filled out where I wrote in "teacher" for what to be when I grow up). I tried my hand at it for years. Every school play, every community play, if there was a roll to be filled, I was there trying out for it. My parents loved it, with the idea that I wasn't really serious about it, and when it came time to go to college I wouldn't run off and join a travelling actors troupe. I stomped my feet and told them when I make it big, and get onto the Merv Griffin show I would make it very clear to him that I got where I was on my own! That my parents didn't support me! They always came back with the same answer, "we just don't think you can handle the rejection." They were probably right. I hated rejection, never was able to brush it off. I always wanted to be wanted for everything, whether I seemed "right for it" or not. When I did have my one big chance, a meeting with a hollywood manager , he told me first things first: change your last name! You gotta have pretty supportive (of hollywood, mind you) parents for them to let you change your name at 15 years old. So, we toyed with the idea for a bit... my dad even offered to take my head shots (sitting on a rock, out in the backyard) --i'm sure those are somewhere, hidden deep. But, I moved on, went to college and became an English Lit major. Why? Because I liked to read. That's it. The whole motivation behind my major was the idea that I would get to read books night and day. I was the kid who got caught reading my novel behind my math book in class, it seemed like a perfect fit for me. Acting be damned, I shall read my way into adulthood!
Then, college, a bit of a wash--it seemed like not much going on, no where to turn, what was I going to do with it all?? Until I spent the year abroad in the UK. It changed my life. Suddenly, just like that, seemingly overnight I had everything. I loved Wales, I loved everyone I met, I was offered a job to stay the following year....and then, just as quickly, decisions were made and things changed again.
On and on life goes like this. You've got it all, it's all going in great directions, everyone wants something from you one year, and then next, you're not quite sure what you're doing...
After a couple of years here, with my fingers in many, many pies, I've got a lot of great things going on in my life, but all these balls can't stay in the air forever. Decisions have to be made and some things have to go, while other things will be changed by the mere passing of time. I've always felt like, if I just had one solid goal, one major purpose, one thing that I could completely, wholly go after with all my being...I want THIS, or I know I don't want that, but I know want THIS... things would be so much easier.