Friday, December 14, 2012

so it just is

A year ago, on this very date, I learned that one of my very best friends in the world was gone forever.  Suzanne was killed in an instant by a situation that was avoidable;  a few workmen who chose to cut corners and disregard safety measures that morning made it impossible.  For the last year I have alternatively struggled and completely avoided coming to terms with the total, unbearable emptiness left behind. 

In life, Suzanne and I had known each other since the 6th grade.  Everyone in my family knew her and hold their own memories of her growing up.  Memories that continued to be made well into our adulthood, as Suzanne and I led a fabulous and fun life in NYC.  All my friends in NY met her at one point or another, some for just a moment, and some as part of the continued circus that swirled around our days and nights.  After I made the move to SF, Suzanne came to visit throughout the years, was a huge part of my wedding, and even made sure to come out for that ever-silly bachelorette party beforehand thrown by a group of new friends, all of whom loved her.  She moved into my old apartment, lived with my old furniture, kept me up to date on all things New York:  We called, we texted, we emailed, we sent goodies in the mail... With big issues at hand, I called on Suzanne.

In the wake of her death, there has been a great disconnect that is more than difficult for me to comprehend.  Suzanne kept her own life fairly separate, in different sections.  I am lucky to be close with her brother and his girlfriend now, who I knew in NY, and who keep me sane when I think I'm loosing it over this.  But I have to keep reminding myself, I knew Suzanne in life, with life.  I don't want to continue remembering December 14th as the day we lost her;  I want to remember all the other times.

The conversations we have now aren't one-sided, but they are quieter.  The times I see her are less frequent and without others' memories of it.  It's like one of us is in exile, waiting for it to be over.
Often, that one just feels like me.

And if I go, 
while you're still here...
know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
-behind a veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again
-both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest and when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart
...I will be there.