The utter joy i feel at being in the classroom is really unparalleled. I knew I missed it for a reason!
It's being adjacent to growth, being part of a world bigger than myself, making a difference. And that is what i'm now doing - making a difference. I see it every time a pair of little eyes looks up at me, or some little voice asks, "can i tell you somefing? miss molly, can i tell you somefing?" Yes! Yes! I say, YES!
The other teachers tell me I have "alot of energy". One of them told me she texted the teacher I was subbing for and wrote, "this woman, have you seen her? the level of energy is out of this world!" I tried to play it off like it was nothing, 'I don't do the same amount of work you guys do' i sheepishly replied, 'i don't have to do what you all have to do', i responded, downplaying my strength, the thing i'm excellent at. Because, having one been a full-time teacher, and having left that full time teaching job, I know. I know teaching wears you down. I know the exhaustion of meetings and paperwork and extremely low pay can eventually get to you. I know that and I have none of that to deal with, really. I get to arrive at 7:30 and leave at 2:30 with no homework to grade or parents to call or lessons to plan. I have it easier. All I have to do is INSPIRE.
This year, this month, marks 10 years since my friend, Shauna Malone, unexpectedly passed away. I had just moved from San Francisco, where we both lived and loved, to Los Angeles, where we grew up together. I had just seen Shaun a week or so before at our going away party. We'd left phone messages for one another on new years eve about almost getting together. Those moments, that turn out to be the last ones, stick with you. They play over and over in your mind.
Luckily, many of the memories stick with you.
This is a piece I wrote for a storytelling night with the theme "The Power of Music". In honor of Shauna, I'll leave you with these memories and thoughts of a really fantastic person who made a huge difference in my life.
As an additional story to this: the group that was hosting the evening was supposed to videotape each person's story...and they didn't. But about three minutes into my piece, my dad decided he should film it for posterity. My dad, like Shauna, was an awesome supporter of everything I did...
I just lost my dad this November and I love being reminded of the unconditional love it took for him to pull out his little camera and film while also being fully engaged in the moment, as I'm sure he was. At the end of my story, it's his voice you hear say, 'wow', which makes me tear up even as I write this.
I like to think Shauna and my Pops are sharing a glass of Chardonnay right now.
But writing and editing and writing some more does still help, so I've told myself I need to keep it up.
Write as if no one is reading (Annnnd, i'm pretty sure no one is...)
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The world is filled with such utter sadness every day, I find it difficult to write about just anything.
I feel, in most cases, over the years of writing for this blog, I have strived to say something meaningful, taking time to edit my words and thoughts and often came out with an upside, a sun shiny way of wrapping the tale up.
These days, I find it hard to complete that sunny wrap-up and I struggle with wanting to put more words into the world that don't have a silver lining at the end of the sentence. It started with writing about my two of my best friends' sudden and shocking deaths, one year apart. It was hard to write about, impossible to ignore, and really, for over two years has been on the forefront of my mind.
Now, I wonder, do I take on the world's sadness, too? Here? Outside of just my mind. But, I think it'll help wrangle it a bit, make some sort of weird sense (such a thing?), if I can edit and write and edit and write and strive for an ending...a beginning?
I'll find the good in the bad, or the beauty in the pain or I'll rant and I'll rave and get it out that way: The power of free speech is palpable here.
It's the worlds' ills that can plague one if you're not a wee bit cautious, so it's the deaths of Suzanne and Shauna that is a constant for me, to help me appreciate life, the things I am so lucky to be a part of, the things that make me see it all so differently now. And I mean that in the very best way, girls (we have a lot of conversations).
